Oct 11

Oct 11 Less "coming out." More "letting in."

Our stories for National Coming Out Day.

The backstory

Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we? Today is National Coming Out Day - cue Miss Diana Ross. And while this day always holds a sense of nostalgia and valuable perspective, we want to share our coming out stories not just to celebrate a pivotal time in our lives, but to have you question the world we live in where we require LGBTQIA people to out themselves. The idea of having to come out inherently makes an individual feel - at least from our experiences - that they have to come clean, confess, reveal and ask for approval or sometimes forgiveness.

Not any more. This is 2020. And while it’s been a dumpster fire of a year, we have hope that culture is shifting in a way that can understand the idea of less “coming out” and more “letting in.” Because when we create space for all people, especially LGBTQIA youth, to love who they are for who they love, we eliminate the need to come out and allow them to relinquish any fear of or self-hate for who they are.

Aaron’s story

Summer, 2011. My mom was the first person I came out to. I remember it so clearly. I said, “Mom, you know how Chaz and I have been hanging out a lot lately?” She said, “yeah.” ... “Well, that’s because we’re kinda dating now.” Unmoved, she replied, “Are you happy?” ... “Yes.” ... “Then that’s all that matters.”

I spent the rest of that summer having the same version of that conversation with close friends and family. I also spent that summer happier than I’d ever been. I kept describing it as an awakening.

I struggled sharing this with my dad and I held it back from him for months. My mom could tell I needed help with it and while on their way to visit me at school in NY, she told him. I never really had to “come out” to him. But I knew he knew and I knew he’d still show up for me.

Flash forward five years. My wedding day. They both walked me down the aisle. Loved ones on either side, the beach as a backdrop and the morning sun clearing the sky for our day. Lucky. There are so many different ways my coming out could have gone. I could have no one walking me. No friends as our witnesses. And no man vowing to love me.

I am so grateful. I know I’m lucky and I know I’m privileged to be out and loved because of it. Most times, I don’t think about it and I can be myself. Sometimes I am very aware that I can’t be. Coming out is something you do more than once and it’s different each time. I think it gets easier, but it also still chokes me up in new spaces and with strangers. If you’ve made it this far in my story, thank you. You’re probably a close friend, family and definitely an ally I rely on. Don’t forget that. Allies make it easier to be open, honest and out. For me, this day is not just for those to celebrate coming or being out. It’s also for the allies we trust enough to share our whole selves with. Thank you.

Our wedding day with Aaron's parents walking him down the aisle.

Eric’s story

My coming out story is equally beautiful + privileged, classic + fairytale.

I was in the incubator of an educational community at NYU and surrounded by classmates who created space for us to lift each other up, encourage ourselves to be who we were.

Aaron and I had classes and performed in shows together and after many dinner breaks from rehearsals, I came home over Thanksgiving, knowing that I needed to tell my sister, friends Hannah and Lynsey that the connection and feelings I had towards Aaron went well beyond any relationships I had with women in the past. There was only one emotion expressed by them. It was excitement. I needed nothing more.

By the holiday break, I came home and mom, myself and my sister went to the Mall of America straight from the airport. It’s unlike me to choose Rainforest Café over shopping, but before I could breathe another minute of Minnesota air, I needed to tell them, Aaron and I were dating, and it’s more real than ever before. They both cried. The kind where they didn’t need to say anything (but they did). The kind of tears where there was what appeared to be relief on their faces.

Telling dad later that night, he was in the midst of emptying garbage cans in the house and taking them to the trash. He asked, “You’re telling me now? I’m taking out the trash.” It’s the kind of reaction you could only hope for; one that all in one moment acknowledged he already knew, and what mattered more to him was that I was telling him at all. He reminded me that he and mom simply wanted me to be happy and reminded me mom thought Aaron was wonderful in the show we were in together the month before. (Stealing the show. Some things never change.) One thing I didn’t know, until years later, was that I was not only privileged enough to come out having found someone, I had found my husband. For that reason, my coming out story is so much more to me than revealing my sexuality. It’s a reminder and a celebration of when my entire world opened up and put down a foundation for what is a beautiful life.

Continue to create space for every person to speak and live their truth. Then be inspired to share it.